破碎中綻放
我出生在中國上海，於2008年來到美國，同年受浸成為基督徒。我的信主過程非常順利，沒有經歷過任何掙扎，平平安安的接受了福音。而信仰之於我的意義和使我生命翻轉的時刻卻出現在我信主10年以後。
受浸後第八年，我經歷了人生的重大變故和情感的破碎，致使我重重的跌倒，甚至罹患了軀體化抑鬱症。在那段黑暗的日子裡，生理上我難以入睡、難以進食、體重驟減；心理上我找不到繼續活下去的意義，徹底喪失了自我價值感。那時的我，每天只反覆思索著：要怎樣才能用最少的痛苦結束生命。我曾用小刀不斷割傷自己的手腕，彷彿只有疼痛才能證明我還存在。我無法正常工作，無法穩定去教會，也無法與人正常溝通，甚至連坐起來的力氣都沒有，整個人如同一具空殼般地苟延殘喘。曾有姐妹陪我在電話上迫切地禱告，只求神賜給我力量，讓我能從床上爬起來。
我不理解為何慈愛的神會容許我承受這樣沉重的痛苦，正在我心碎又迷茫之際，一位有過相似經歷的教友分享了一節經文給我。
我们在一切患难中，他就安慰我们，叫我们能用神所赐的安慰去安慰那遭各样患难的人。— 哥林多后书 1:4
這節經文從那時起至今，一直安慰著我、扶持著我，也成為我向他人傳遞力量的泉源。神的話讓我明白，基督徒所經歷的一切，無論是歡笑中的喜樂，抑或是眼淚中的掙扎，背後都蘊含著神手中的操練與祝福。而這一切，也悄悄影響並激勵著我身邊的人。唯有先破碎，才能被神重新建造，成為合祂心意的器皿，也才能在破碎中綻放出祂的榮光，影響身邊同樣經歷掙扎的人。
當我願意尋求，願意叩門時， 信仰的光不僅驅散了我眼前的黑暗，也一步步引領我走向更深的信靠與事奉。
在我患抑鬱症的那段期間，我遇見了一位主內的姊妹。她並沒有因為我滿身的負能量而退卻，反而經常主動關心我，邀請我到她家吃晚餐，跟我分享耶穌的故事，還陪我一起唱讚美詩歌。
每次去她家，我最期待的，就是和她一起唱詩。她毫不吝嗇地稱讚我有一副好嗓音，這些溫暖的鼓勵讓我內心悄悄地開始建立起一點點價值感。
姊妹的愛心給了我極大的力量，使我漸漸走出陰霾。我開始能穩定地參加教會的主日崇拜、團契查經以及主日學。就在那段期間，教會來了一位特別強調「復興與真理」的傳道人。我在團契和主日學中都非常認真地學習，渴慕明白神的話語。也就在這個過程中，我終於從一個迷迷糊糊的基督徒，慢慢成長為一位認識真理的信徒。
耶穌的故事在教會聽過很多遍，知道主為我們釘死在十字架上，為人類捨命，但那時的我，始終無法明白祂的犧牲與「我」有什麼關係。直到過去的我被徹底破碎，我才幡然醒悟：自卑也是一種罪。因為這種認知否定了神的創造，否認了祂所造的「我」是美好的。當人陷入自卑情緒，就等於敞開心門，讓撒但進來破壞神的聖殿。
神珍視祂的創造「人」，祂視我為寶貝，因為祂差愛子耶穌「重價」贖回我。
我在神眼中是那樣的寶貴，我怎能再讓魔鬼在我生命中肆意破壞？當這一認知被扭轉以後，我的人生就好像瞬間被打開了一個開關「信心」。
兩年後，我的屬靈狀況和身體狀態逐漸恢復，我收到邀請加入了敬拜團隊。讚美詩歌的旋律和歌詞總是深深地打動我，有首詩歌這樣唱：「你在我身作為可畏，我一生敬畏你」。（歌名：我相信）
每次唱到這裡都讓我淚流滿面。這句話不是對別人說的，正是對我說的。在我無助、破碎的時候，神並沒有放棄我，而是一步步用祂的方式修復我，成為今天能敬拜、能服事的我。祂真的在我生命中行了奇妙的作為，把我從絕望中重新塑造，使我這朵曾經凋零的小花不僅重新綻放，還能散發出祂的芬芳。這樣的作為，怎能不讓我敬畏？怎能不讓我用餘生歌頌祂？
隨著接觸越來越多敬拜讚美和聖詩音樂，詩班的和聲與表達越發地帶給我觸動心靈的共鳴。我不禁感嘆，神的創造是何等美妙，能夠讓人體發出這樣動聽的聲音，如同成為一件樂器，這或許就是天上的聲音吧。在2021年南加聯合研經培靈會上，我第一次見到了洛杉磯聖樂團獻詩，心中萌生了想要加入的渴望，隔年，我也出現在了培靈會上和大家一起獻詩。我一生中從未對任何一件事有如此清晰的指引和不滅的熱情——唯有唱讚美詩。在林老師的帶領下，我持續進步，心中充滿喜悅。我知道，神正在建造我，祂大大地祝福我所參與的服事，並賜給我無比的喜樂。跟隨聖樂團走過的每一站，我都能夠聽見盼望的旋律。如今，我願成為那個聲音的一部分，在別人看不見出口的時候，唱出神的愛與安慰，將這份力量傳遞給每一位有需要的人。
照片拍攝於2025年3月25日，台灣合歡山。Photo taken on March 25, 2025, at Hehuanshan, Taiwan.
我一生要讚美耶和華；我還活著的時候，要歌頌我的神。—— 詩篇146:2
願我餘生仍以詩歌為祭，
將心獻與愛我到底的主。
馬明丹 2025年5月15日
*本文由「洛杉磯聖樂團」原創發布，欢迎转载本文以荣耀主名。转载时请注明作者与出处，并请勿擅自修改或用于商业用途。愿这段见证能成为他人的祝福。
Blooming through Brokenness
I was born in Shanghai, China, and came to the United States in 2008. That same year, I was baptized and became a Christian. My journey to faith was smooth and peaceful—I accepted the gospel with little resistance. Yet, the moment when my faith took root and truly transformed my life came a decade later.
In the eighth year after my baptism, I experienced a major life crisis and emotional collapse, leading to a severe form of somatic depression. During those darkest days, I could hardly sleep or eat. My weight dropped drastically, but even more devastating was the emptiness I felt inside. I had completely lost all sense of purpose and self-worth. Each day, my mind was filled with one haunting thought: how can I end my life with the least amount of pain? In my despair, I would take a small knife and repeatedly cut my wrists—hoping that the physical pain could somehow prove I was still alive. I was no longer able to work or carry on a conversation. Even sitting up in bed took more strength than I had. I was like an empty shell—barely surviving, with nothing left inside. I remember a sister praying with me over the phone, asking God simply to grant me strength to rise from my bed. I couldn’t understand why a loving God would allow me to go through such deep suffering. In the midst of my brokenness and confusion, a fellow believer who had walked a similar path shared this verse with me:
“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” — 2 Corinthians 1:4
Since that moment, this verse has continually comforted and sustained me. It became not only my lifeline, but also the source of strength I now share with others. Through Scripture, I came to understand that every experience—whether joyful or painful—carries God’s shaping hand and hidden blessings. In His wisdom, He breaks and rebuilds us so that we may become vessels useful for His purpose, reflecting His glory even through our wounds.
When I seek, when I knock, His light of faith not only dispelled the darkness before me, but also led me step by step into deeper trust and service.
During the period when I was battling depression, I met a sister in Christ. Instead of being pushed away by all the negativity surrounding me, she continued to reach out with love and care. She often invited me to her home for dinner, shared stories about Jesus with me, and sang hymns together with me. What I looked forward to the most during those visits was singing hymns with her. She never held back her praise, often telling me that I had a beautiful voice. Those warm words of encouragement quietly began to plant seeds of self-worth in my heart.
The love and kindness of that sister gave me tremendous strength and helped me gradually walk out of the darkness. I began to attend Sunday worship, Bible study fellowship, and Sunday school regularly. Around that time, a preacher who emphasized revival and truth came to our church. I eagerly and diligently studied God’s Word during fellowship and Sunday school, longing to understand His truth. Through this process, I slowly grew from a confused and nominal Christian into a believer who truly knows and embraces the truth.
I had heard the story of Jesus countless times in church—I knew He was crucified for humanity, that He gave His life for us. But back then, I couldn’t grasp what His sacrifice had to do with me personally. It wasn’t until I was completely broken that I finally came to a realization: low self-esteem is also a form of sin. It denies the goodness of God's creation—it denies that I, whom He created, am wonderfully made. When a person sinks into self-contempt, it’s like opening the door of the heart for Satan to come in and destroy the temple of God.
God cherishes His creation—humanity. He sees me as His precious treasure, for He sent His beloved Son, Jesus, to redeem me at a great price.
If I am so precious in God’s eyes, how could I allow the devil to continue destroying my life?
When this realization was transformed, it was as if a switch called "faith" was instantly turned on in my life.
Two years later, as my spiritual life and physical health gradually recovered, I was invited to join the worship team. The lyrics and melodies of worship songs often moved me deeply. One song in particular says, “Your work in me is awe-inspiring; I will fear You all my life.” (from the song “I Believe”) Every time I sang that line, tears would stream down my face. It wasn’t just a lyric—it was my testimony. In my lowest moments, God never abandoned me. He gently rebuilt me into someone who could worship and serve again. He truly performed a marvelous work in me, causing a once-withered flower to bloom again—this time bearing His fragrance. How could I not revere Him? How could I not dedicate my life to singing His praise?
As I became more involved in sacred and choral music, the choir's harmonies and expressions began to resonate with me more deeply, touching my heart in profound ways. I was continually moved by the beauty of harmony and expression. I often found myself marveling at God’s design, that the human voice could be used like an instrument to glorify Him—perhaps this is a glimpse of heaven’s sound. In 2021, I attended the Southern California Bible Conference and heard the Los Angeles Christian Chorale sing for the first time. A desire to join was immediately kindled in my heart. The following year, I stood among them, lifting my voice in praise. Never in my life have I felt such clarity of calling and enduring passion—except in singing hymns. Under the guidance of Conductor Lin, I’ve grown steadily in both skill and spirit. I know God is building me, blessing the ministry I serve in, and filling my heart with joy unspeakable. At every stop along the journey with the sacred music ministry, I could hear the melody of hope. Now, I am willing to become part of that voice—to sing of God's love and comfort when others see no way out, and to share this hope with those in need.
“I will praise the Lord all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.” —— Psalm 146:2
May the rest of my life be a song of offering, a heart wholly devoted to the One who loves me to the end.
Alli Ma May 15, 2025
*This article is copyright by the Christian Chorale of Los Angeles. You are welcome to share this testimony to glorify the name of the Lord. Please include the author’s name and the original source when reposting, and kindly refrain from modifying or using the content for commercial purposes. May this story be a blessing to others.
